Angel Boy

When Justin sings, the whole world just opens up. It's inexplicable, and joyous in its simplicity. It's why Joey stayed. It's why Joey moved through his life turning a blind eye and a deaf ear. Chris had called him stupid once, but then it took Chris a while to understand, to open his heart and accept faith.

The sun rises and falls with Justin. It's why Joey stayed. It's why Joey walked away.

_____

"Take care of it, Joe."

They are simple words, and Joey always understands the moment they leave Lance's mouth.

Take care of it, Joe.

It's what Joey signed on for, back when Lance, young and far too world-weary for his age, came to him, and told him their story, told him about Lou and how he was exploiting Justin, how he was using Justin, and abusing his gift. Lance told Joey how Lou didn't truly believe, that if Justin ever knew, it would crush him, and maybe ruin him all together. Joey had known then, staring into the depths of Lance's translucent green eyes, that nothing would ever touch Justin, not while there was breath in his body.

The world opens up when Justin sings. And so had Joey.

Joey was nineteen when it happened. It was a training exercise for the Tennessee Highway Patrol. His father had been a trooper, as had his father's father before that. It was family life in public service, and Joey was determined to follow in his father's footsteps. But what he hadn't counted on was the fence, and the damaged two by fours that had suddenly given way and shattered. What he hadn't counted on were the slivers of wood that splintered in his cornea and detached his retina, leaving him blind in one eye, and disqualifying him from his family's legacy.

What Joey hadn't counted on was what that would do to him. He hadn't counted on taking to drinking whiskey straight from the bottle and sleeping with any woman who would have him. He hadn't counted on losing his lust for life and his trust in God. And it wasn't until he heard Justin, the angelic voice rising to the rafters of a revival tent that he had helped build, that Joey began to understand. It had been the most natural thing in the world to move towards Justin, past the rows of worshippers, with their hands and voices lifted in praise, to stop in the center aisle, just feet away from the angel boy who sang with the voice of God.

Justin stopped singing as he turned his eyes to Joey. The people quieted in response, and Joey noticed only momentarily a fat man in a suit rising from his seat, and beginning to approach. For a second, he met the green-eyed gaze of a blond boy who was sitting next to the fat man, before the boy put a hand on the fat man's arm and pulled him back.

When Joey focused again, the angel boy had stepped closer, and he was smiling. He reached out a hand, and Joey took it. The boy brought his other hand around and it closed over Joey's. Joey could feel the heat radiating from him. The hair on his neck stood on end, and sweat trickled down his forehead and into his dead eye.

"Sing with us, brother," the boy said, and his voice rose again in song. Joey's baritone followed in cracked melody, but Justin never wavered, and did not let go…

That was where it started. Joey explained that much when Chris asked him why he participated in such horseshit.

"Justin is a healer," Joey told him.

"Did you see right again?"

"All depends on what you mean by vision."

Chris didn't buy it. So, Joey had to take care of the man who had cast his doubts in Justin's mind.

__

Justin got his schooling at home from JC. JC took over the pulpit when they left Lou, and built a permanent structure that became their church. Lance had visions Lou had never dreamed of. He dreamed a mass following, radio, and TV. And JC had always been part of the puzzle, even in Lou's mind. He'd been educated, voice trained, and sent to seminary. It was kind of brilliant, Joey thought, a youthful preacher with a beautiful face. There were ways to make everyone listen, ways to take in the old and inspire the young. Joey brought them in. JC hooked them. Justin kept them coming back for more.

It was only natural that a boy growing into a man would get curious about the world he was kept from. Joey knew it was never Lance's intention to smother Justin, to keep him from the world, but there was always the underlying fear of the faithless creeping under Justin's skin, reaching his heart, touching his soul, and spoiling his gift. He didn't need to see all of the pain in the world in order to heal it. Lance planned big, the church and the ground it covered, but the rest was small, one little miracle at a time. The thing was, was that the miracles Justin performed weren't small at all to the people he touched.

It came to a head one afternoon before Joey went out to do mission work. Justin burst into Lance's office and started screaming at him. Justin never really complained, but when he got cranky, Joey was usually the one who bore the brunt of it. Joey was usually the one who talked him down, hugged him tight, and got him to smile again. It was a rare occasion that Lance was directly involved at all. Justin only went to Lance as a last resort.

Justin had asked Joey several times to take him into town. It was something he asked for more and more since he turned nineteen that winter. Joey was usually able to appease him with promises of talking to Lance, and usually a gift from one of the stores in the strip mall at the center of town. Justin was easily swayed with sugar and sparkly things. He was still such a baby, but Joey knew he couldn't be protected much longer. And if Justin had to get out, Joey would be the one to take him.

"JC and me'll take him into town with us. We can always use an extra hand with the newsletters."

Lance looked skeptical. "Joe, I don't think it's a good idea,"

"Aw, c'mon, Lance. I'll be fine with Joey and JC. What could possibly happen?"

There were times Joey really wished Justin had never asked that question. He knew it was a matter of time before something came along that drew Justin towards the fire, but he couldn't help wanting it to be later rather than sooner. But Justin was a boy growing into a man, and there was that ever-present need inside of him to be one.

Justin went into town with Joey and JC that day, and every weekend after that.

Justin loved the bustle of Saturday mornings. He loved to stand in the barber shop window and watch the gentlemen have their hair cut and their beards trimmed. Sometimes, he'd watch for ten minutes. Sometimes, he'd watch for an hour, men of all ages, shapes, and colors. He watched the swish of the scissor, the slide of the clippers, and the precise angle of the straightedge.

"What if I did that?" he asked Joey with his fingertips on the glass, eyes fixed on a young man in a military uniform. "What if I did that to my hair?"

Joey studied Justin's profile carefully, taking full notice of the seriousness in Justin's expression. Lance would probably burst a blood vessel. Justin had a full head of bushy blond curls that framed his face. They were as much a part of Justin as God.

Joey raised a hand to Justin's hair and ruffled it playfully. "Why would you even want to, Justin?"

Justin turned his head, grimaced a little, and shrugged. "I wouldn't, I guess. I was just wondering."

Joey clapped a hand on Justin's shoulder and led him away from the barber shop. "C'mon. Let's go get some breakfast."

They left pamphlets in every store they visited. For the most part, people were used to them, but they were far more open when Justin visited then when Joey came alone or just with JC. Joey explained as much to Lance, and Joey started taking Justin to town on Thursdays as well.

Thursday was Joey's one and only day off. He didn't always take advantage of it, but there were nights when Joey needed to be away from the ministry. Sometimes he went to a small pub, but most of the time, he frequented a coffee house on the outskirts of town. They had open mike there on Thursdays and when Joey was in the right mood, he'd get up and sing Frank Sinatra.

If there was one thing Joey found hard, it was saying no to Justin. He popped in on Joey on one of those Thursday evenings when he was getting ready to get out for the night. Justin flopped on Joey's bed and watched him as he splashed aftershave on his chin.

"Where do you go when you leave here on Thursdays?"

"Nowhere in particular," Joey shrugged. He knew Justin better than he knew himself. "I go to the pub. Sometimes I go sing."

"Do you drink liquor at the pub?"

Joey frowned. He wasn't in the habit of lying to Justin when it had nothing to do with the ministry. "Sometimes, but usually just soda."

"Do you… do you meet girls?"

Joey sunk onto the bed next to Justin. "Sometimes."

Justin's brow furrowed. "Lance doesn't want me to meet girls."

"Well, Justin, you know, you,"

"I belong to God. I know."

"It's your gift, J."

"I know, and I'm glad I have it. It's just sometimes," Justin sighed heavily. "Nevermind."

"Justin, it's okay to get lonely. We all do."

"But you can meet girls. And Lance has JC. All's I've got is my mom."

Sometimes Joey thought the only good thing in Lance was JC. Joey loved Lance, and thanked him everyday for giving him a sort of reign over Justin's protection when Joey'd helped them get away from Lou. It was a trust he'd never fully been given before. One he worked hard never to betray.

After being as close to Lance as he was, and seeing the side of the church that Justin never had to witness, Joey oftentimes wondered how Lance was in the business of miracles at all. But then there were the times when Joey caught Lance watching JC and he knew.

Joey knew Lance's past was shrouded in shame and intolerance. There had been one night, before JC, when Lance asked Joey for his help getting away from Lou, that they got drunk and slept together. Joey had never thought of himself as gay, but Lance had always known he was. He'd run away from home because of it. He'd left everything he knew and loved because of the fear of shame. He hooked up with Lou because it was the only place he knew to go.

Joey loved Lance. Not the way he loved Justin, and not the way Lance loved JC, but love all the same.

"How do you know about Lance and JC?"

Justin smiled, "I can see it. I may not know too much, but I can tell when two people are in love."

"And you understand?"

"Not really, but I love Lance and I love JC. Nothing is going to change that."

Joey smiled, and nudged Justin's arm. "I can stay in tonight. We can play video games and eat popcorn."

"Naw, Joey, you go out,"

"You sure?" Joey stood up and straightened out his slacks.

"Yeah, sure, I'm sure," he sat up straight. "Or you know, maybe… maybe I can go with you."

Joey looked at Justin and frowned. "Justin, you know, that's really not a good idea. I mean, going into town during the day, when it's for the ministry, that's one thing. I'm sure Lance wouldn't consent to your going out with me at night."

"Technically, I'm an adult. I don't need his consent."

Joey blanched slightly. Justin had never demonstrated such outright defiance, and that scared Joey more than just a little. "Justin, I know that, but,"

"I just… what am I missing, Joey? I'm tired of sitting in this building all the time wondering where the world is going without me."

"You have your place in it, you know that. What's out there doesn't touch you. It can't."

"You sound just like Lance. You're my friend, Joey, not my keeper."

"I'll always protect you first, Justin. That's what I do."

Justin crossed his arms across his chest and huffed, "Not fair."

"There's a lot of stuff that isn't fair. We deal with it."

"You can still protect me, I mean, if I go with you."

"It's my night off."

"And not even five minutes ago, you were willing to spend it with me here."

Joey sighed heavily. "Lance is going to have my head."

Justin jumped up threw his arms around Joey's neck, "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

Joey opted for the coffee house, and walked in after nine with Justin in tow. He grabbed a table near the front and ordered Justin some tea and an espresso for himself. He watched Justin as he eyed the place with childlike glee.

"This is so great, Joey," Justin beamed as he spoke, all white teeth and sparkling eyes and Joey figured things weren't all that bad.

"Wait till the singing starts,"

"Will you sing tonight? For me?"

"I sing for you every weekend."

"Not like this. I'd like it, you know, if you did."

Joey smiled, part of him swelling in appreciation. Justin had small ways of validating Joey. Not that Joey needed it per se. He hadn't since that first day, when Justin had touched him and freed his soul. But sometimes, it was just nice. And he got up and put his name on the list.

Singers came and went, and Justin seemed to enjoy every one of them. He seemed to like being the one watching. He paid no more attention to one or the other, and Joey got up and took his turn and found it strange to sing for Justin without a choir surrounding him. It was strange to sing about luck being a lady, rather than believing in miracles and peace through Jesus. It was strange to have Justin's full attention.

Justin stood and clapped when Joey was through. He met Joey halfway and shook his hand, and gushed about how great Joey was. Joey glowed and thought about small miracles that weren't so little at all.

Joey knew the last singer by name. His name was Chris and he was usually the last number of the night. Chris sang every night Joey came, and Joey figured he probably came every week. He never talked to Chris, but he'd listened to him enough to have him figured out by his choice of music. The guy was poor, pretty bitter, and all but given up on life. But what made up for that was how he looked when he sang. And Joey realized that Justin must have seen it too, because the minute Chris opened up his mouth, Justin never looked away.

He sang an old Beatles tune, and sounded better than great, and Joey felt Justin's hand on his arm when Chris stepped down from the mike.

"He needs us,"

"What?" Joey asked.

"Can't you see it? How much pain he's in?"

"Justin, it was just a song."

"It wasn't the song, Joey, but the way he sang it." Justin was up, and Joey cursed silently as he followed quickly in Justin's wake.

Justin wasn't entirely good in social situations that called for one on one interaction with anyone unfamiliar. He stumbled over his words, tried to introduce himself, and reached out to touch, when touching had clearly not been solicited. Joey kept himself behind Justin, with a hand on his shoulder. He was surprised at how soft Chris seemed in Justin's presence. And maybe it was because Justin was holding his hand and gaze, or maybe it was just because Joey had it all wrong when he assumed Chris was pretty much washed up. Joey hoped for the latter, but in his heart knew it was the former when Chris didn't so much as pull away.

Justin's mouth moved a mile a minute, spouting invitations to the weekend service, asking Chris to bring his family if he had one. He asked him to come up and sing, to spread joy with his voice, and open his heart.

Chris' eyes never wavered, and his voice was steady. "Thanks, kid," he said, "But God deserted me a long time ago."

Joey could feel Justin's shoulders slump and his sharp intake of breath. There were few words that could hurt Justin more. There were few words that affected him as they did. Justin's hands dropped to his sides as he watched Chris walk away. He then turned and buried his face in Joey's shoulder, "Home."

_____

Justin was off during the evening service on Saturday. He sang, and the people rose and fell with his voice, and while they saw no difference, Joey did. He saw Justin's eyes uncommonly veiled. He watched Justin shake when he lifted his arms, when he touched the offering, when one of his believers placed herself in Justin's hands. He watched Justin slump, and was at his side immediately as JC took his cue.

Joey led Justin away from the masses, and started towards his room. It wasn't unusual for Justin to feel wasted after a miracle, and this wasn't unfamiliar to Joey. But it wasn't normal for Justin to stop and huddle closer in the crook of Joey's arm.

"I want to go back," he whispered.

"You're done, Justin. JC's closing the service."

"No. That place. Where you sing. Where he sings."

Joey closed his eyes against the implications of those words. "Justin, I can't."

"You can, Joey. And Lance will understand. He's a lost sheep. I need to bring him back."

"He might not want to be brought back. You don't know everything about everyone."

"Neither do you. I can save him."

"Justin,"

"Please, Joey. Please. I need this. I can't get back up there next week and sing praise when I know he's out there in pain."

"There are a lot of people out there in pain, Justin. You can't choose who to save."

Justin pulled away and stared at Joey hard. "Maybe this time I want to."

"It doesn't work like that."

"I'm going to make it like that. Just this time, Joey, please. I won't ask you again. Help me get to him and I won't ask again."

Joey shook his head against the capitulation in his own gut. "Thursday night."

Justin got himself on the list Thursday night, right ahead of Chris. Joey didn't sing at all, and he kept his eyes open as Justin belted out Amazing Grace. The coffee house wasn't exactly the kind of audience Justin was used to playing for, and it shouldn't have surprised Joey the kind of reaction he got. It wasn't Justin that Joey lacked faith in, but the general public as a whole. But they got to their feet for him, and Joey watched their faces and took in their reverence.

The world opens up when Justin sings. And for a fleeting moment, as Joey scanned the room and his eyes finally settled, he thought Chris would too.

He shouldn't have gotten involved. Joey told himself that as he made his way towards the counter where Chris stood watching Justin thank an adoring crowd. Joey leaned a little bit when he reached him, and Chris got the message.

"He came back for me, huh?"

"Yup," Joey wasn't about to beat around the bush with this guy.

"Look, I'm sure he's a good kid, and he's got an amazing set of pipes, but I'm not-"

"Just go once," the words left Joey's mouth before he could stop them, and he regretted them almost immediately. "Just make an appearance, let him see you, that you tried, and you'll never have to see him again."

Chris' gaze flickered briefly to Joey, "What's it to him anyway?"

"He's… he's gifted. He's-"

"No, I've read about him. You can't live in this town and not know about Justin Timberlake. I figured it was a crock."

"It's not."

"Right." Chris took a step forward and Joey put a hand on his shoulder.

"Just once. It's one hour out of your life. He's just a kid and he thinks you're worth saving."

"Well he'd be wrong," Chris lifted his guitar under his arm. "I appreciate that he cares. Nice that someone still does, but it's wasted on me. Tell him that I'm sorry."

Joey's hand dropped to his side. The mere fact that Chris found it necessary to apologize said something, and Joey watched him move past Justin, saying nothing, but making contact all the same.

"He's not coming, is he?" Joey hated sometimes that Justin knew him this well.

"I don't think so, J, no."

"Then we come back next week. He doesn't have to come to the service for me to touch him."

"He doesn't want to be touched. He doesn't want you to waste your time on him."

Justin smiled then. "Which is exactly why I have to."

_____

"You said you wouldn't ask again."

"After I've saved him."

_____

Joey didn't go out the next Thursday, but he caught Justin sneaking into his room after midnight. That weekend, Joey saw Chris walk into the church and sit in the middle of the last row of seats. He took that same seat for four weeks. On the fifth week, a young girl sat next to him and Chris kept an arm protectively around her. Justin approached Joey before the service.

"There's a girl with Chris. Bring her up."

"There's been people waiting, Justin."

"Then bring them up after."

"Justin, you can't… Lance will-"

"Joey, you have to bring her up to me. Okay? Her name is Taylor and she's got a rare form of cancer."

Joey felt his stomach twist. He'd seen Justin perform small miracles for years, but there were always ringers, people Lance arranged so that Justin never had to understand failure. Every weekend, someone walked away healed regardless. Lance told Joey the first miracle, back when Justin was just a small boy in grade school, was the biggest. He'd touched a man dying of lung cancer. That man still occupied a seat in the third row of the church. He runs five miles a day, and picks up his grandchildren from school. Justin plays chess with him once a week.

"Justin, let me run this by Lance, and maybe we can fit her in next-"

"Fit her in? What is that, Joey? She's dying, just like her mother did five years ago. I wasn't there then, maybe I can restore her, and," Justin shook his head.

"Restore him too." Joey pulled Justin into him. "I know you've been sneaking around, Justin. And I haven't said anything to Lance. But you have to stop. I'll bring her to you, and you do what you have to. Then it's over. You got me? You don't see him anymore."

Justin backed off and Joey could see his eyes darken. "I can't do that, Joey. You do what you have to. So will I."

Joey brought Chris' sister to Justin. Chris didn't show his face in church for three months.

_____

Justin caught Joey on a Tuesday. Justin had stopped sneaking out two weeks after Chris' last appearance in church. Joey thought about going to him then, but Justin pretty much did nothing but snap at anyone who even looked at him, so he kept his distance.

"He won't see me."

Joey saw that coming, had weeks to prepare for it, and yet he still didn't know what to say. "I'm sorry."

"No you're not."

"Yes, Justin, I am. I'm sorry she's not getting better. I'm sorry you feel like you failed."

"I made it worse. I think… for a moment he believed I could make it better, make her better. She's everything to him, her and his two other sisters. He's got this family, Joey, and this responsibility, and his mom died five years ago. Do you know, he worked to keep a roof over their heads? He worked to pay hospital bills and the church wouldn't help them. No one would help them. He couldn't even get morphine so that his mother could die without pain. Three jobs, Joey, and he couldn't get his mom medicine."

Justin was shaking almost violently and Joey swallowed hard. "Justin,"

"No, Joe. I understand. I understand why he thinks God deserted him. How could God do that? I mean, he's not a bad man. He's a good man, and…"

"The meek will inherit the earth."

Justin shook his head. "No, no, no. I don't… I don't believe that. God can't expect," Justin fell to the bed buried his head in his hands. "I don't like this, Joe. I don't like this pain, feeling it in my heart and my stomach's all tied up and all's I wanna do is see him and make it better."

"Justin, have you…do you," it wasn't exactly out of left field, but Joey couldn't help feeling that this went well beyond spiritual healing. "You like girls, don't you?"

"I like Chris."

"Shit."

Justin turned to Joey quickly. "You cursed."

"And you're telling me you're gay. I think things are evening out here."

"Is that what I am? Because I like him."

"How do you like him, Justin? Like Lance and JC or… like me and you?"

"Both."

"Shit."

"Stop that!"

"Well Christ, Justin. I don't know what to do here."

"Help me. Help me get him to talk to me."

Joey shook his head. He felt bad, damned bad that there was nothing he could do here to help Justin. His hands were utterly and completely tied. "I can't, Justin. You can't. And I need to tell Lance."

"No!" Justin was on his feet and backing out of the room. "Please, Joey, please don't tell Lance about it. It'll all… I can't… please. I'll just-I'll just get over it. Right. First time and all. Everyone gets over those, right?"

Joey thought about Kelly, who had been with him before the accident and for a little while after, but eventually Joey had gotten too out of hand for even her. "Mostly. But Justin,"

"Please, Joey. Please."

"Don't try again, J. I mean it."

Justin nodded. Joey knew he was lying.

_____

"How could you let this happen, Joe?"

Joey knew that would be the first question out of Lance's mouth. And he had prepared a dozen answers for it. None of which he actually used. "I thought I was doing what was best for him."

"By letting him sneak off to meet some guy? Do you know what could have happened, Joey?"

"Chris is harmless."

"Obviously he's not! And shit, you should have come to me!"

"I thought it would do him good."

"Do him good? To make him question what he believes? And that's just the tip of the iceberg, Joe. If he's got any kind of feelings for this guy… Christ, I'm not sure the congregation can handle that."

"Lance, listen to yourself! You left home because you were gay, and afraid of what your family and friends would do. Are you really ready to condemn Justin to that by not accepting what's in his heart?"

"Justin can't possibly know-"

"He's not a stupid boy. And everything he feels is real. It always has been."

"How far has this gone?"

Joey shrugged sloppily, "I don't know."

"Fuck."

"Lance,"

Lance got to his feet, and started pacing. "No, Joe, I don't… this isn't how-"

"He's just a kid, Lance. He needs to do these things. You can't keep him shut up forever."

"He's not just a kid," Lance met Joey's gaze. "He's a kid with an amazing gift, and we can't let that gift get sullied by a bitter man who doesn't believe in him."

"He's a lost sheep," Joey didn't know why, but he felt dumb and really helpless.

"Some sheep have to stay lost, Joe, or else there would be no need for us."

"Lance, Justin believes things, and part of that is that he can save everybody. If you mess around with this, you're going to mess with his head. I can't," Joey was cut off when the door to Lance's office swung open and Justin's mother walked in.

"What in the hell is going on with my boy?"

Joey looked from Lynn to Lance. Justin told Lynn a lot of things, almost everything, but he was sure this thing with Chris wasn't one of them.

"Have a seat, Lynn," Lance motioned to the small sofa on the far end of his office. "Joe and I were just discussing Justin."

"He's been locked in his bedroom for two days," Lynn took her designated seat in front of Lance's desk instead. Lynn trusted Lance, since it was Lance that masterminded the break from Lou. It was Lance that put more money in their pockets, and Lance that spread Justin around to more and more people. She gave up a lot of control, but not all. "And he says he refuses to participate in the service this weekend."

"Lynn, are you still friendly with Lynne Spears?"

"Of course I am, why?"

"Lance," Joey stepped towards Lance's desk, but Lance held up his hand closing the argument.

"Why don't you give her a call? Invite her and Britney Jean to Sunday supper."

"Lance," Joey tried again.

"That'll be all, Joe. You can go," he then turned to Lynn. "Why don't we get some lunch? We can discuss Britney Jean, and we've got business to tend to."

Lance didn't look at him again, and Joey took a moment to gauge Lynn's reaction to Lance's suggestion before he excused himself.

Joey did everything he could short of going to Chris and dragging him to church to get Justin up and singing at the weekend services. He sang sweetly, but it was tinged with sadness, and Joey pulled two miracles out of Lance's hat.

They took Justin out to dinner at the Red Lobster. Britney Jean had a thing for seafood, and Lance was determined to impress. Justin, on the other hand, was downright morose. He answered questions in low monosyllables and he lifted his gaze once through the main course that never reached his mouth. When they got home and Lynne Spears and her daughter set off, Justin turned on Joey.

"I hate you," then he slammed up the stairs, and to his room. Joey looked at Lance.

"Is this what you want?"

Lance's face was frighteningly blank and it made Joey cringe.

"He'll come around. I'm counting on you to see to it. Britney Jean will be back next weekend."

_____

Chris didn't sing at the coffee house for two months. Joey thought that it might have been coincidence or an attempt to hide from Justin, but Chris approached him one night after open mike, and all of Joey's theories were blown to hell.

"I need to talk to Justin."

Joey's gut reaction was to hit Chris, break his nose for breaking Justin's heart, but a cooler head did prevail, and there were times Joey wished he hadn't learned to not go with his gut. "No."

"Look, I know things look bad, but, shit, stuff's happened."

Joey pulled Chris out a side door. "You have no fucking idea how things look. And Justin's finally getting over it, so leave him the hell alone."

The hard part about dealing with Chris was how sincere he actually was. "I can't… did he tell you about my sister?"

"He told me she was sick. He told me to bring her to him. He told me you wouldn't see him. That's where it ends."

"She's got a rare form of cancer. My mom had it. It killed my mom five years ago."

"I know about that. He told me all of it."

"I didn't want to bring my sister to the church. It… I didn't believe any of it. I still fucking don't, okay? But Justin needs to know that I don't blame him or credit him with anything,"

"I'll be sure to pass," Joey stopped, looked closely at Chris. "Your sister?"

"I got a call from a guy I know in Tampa. He's been undergoing experimental treatment for this same thing. They told him twenty years ago that he had six months to live. So, I took her to Maryland, where he gets his treatment. She's not better, but there's a chance she's going to have more years than what they gave her. So I wasn't here to see him."

"Look, I'll tell him, okay? But you can't see him. Things are… weird. He's confused and you'll just make things worse for him."

"He's not confused, Joey. He's opening his eyes. He's giving himself a chance you people won't give him."

"Don't," Joey growled, "pretend that you know what's going on. You have no fucking clue."

"I know what he tells me. I can deduce a lot of the rest. What I don't get is why you go along with it. You obviously care for him. Why do you let them use him?"

"It's his own mother!"

"That's even worse!"

"You don't know what he's capable of."

"Neither do you! And what he feels," Chris shook his head. "I don't need those parts of him. It's why I haven't gone to the church to see him sing. I like the other parts. And I'm going to do what I have to to see the other parts."

Joey shook his head. "You're going to make things worse for him. And he's just started dating a real nice girl, and, you'll just mess with his head."

"A girl?"

"Yeah. A nice, steady, pretty girl."

Chris nodded as he snickered. "Oh, I get it. A girl you people can control."

"Stop saying it like that. 'You people'. It isn't like that."

"Then explain to me why he's dating a girl when he's got a thing for me."

Joey's fists clenched at his sides. It wasn't what he wanted for Justin. Britney Jean was a sweet, sweet girl, but she basically went along with anything Lance or Justin said. She stood beside Justin after service and smiled pretty. She yessed them all to death, and Joey hated what her presence did to Justin. Joey hated that through her, Lance was doing everything he could to suppress any real emotions Justin might have. He hated that Chris was right about too much, and at the same time not nearly enough. And his next question, he hated to ask it, but it was too big now. "What exactly have you done with Justin?"

Chris' stare never wavered and he kind of smiled, "I haven't done anything that would hurt him or that he'd regret."

"That's not a good enough answer."

"It's the best you're going to get from me. That stuff is between me and Justin. You want to know, get him to tell you."

Joey nodded, "Fine. And let me repeat myself. Stay away from him, or you won't like what comes next."

"What's that, Joey? You gonna take me out?"

It was Joey's turn to hold steady and not waver, "Maybe."

_____

Justin left the service on his own power. It was rare, but Joey knew the moment he saw Chris slip out the rear why Justin did. He supposed he knew all along that Chris wasn't kidding when he told Joey he would do what he had to to see Justin. And he should have known Justin would respond to it immediately. In the first row of seats, Britney Jean sat next to her mother and Lynn. She kept her eyes fixed on JC as he brightly closed the service. Lance then walked them back, and out of the church.

"Where's Justin?"

Joey avoided Lance's gaze and wished like hell he could avoid the question all together. "He went for a walk."

"Is he okay?"

"Yeah. I actually think he's better than he's been in a while."

"Well, can you go find him and bring him to my office?"

Joey looked at Britney smiling sweetly beside Lance. "Sure, Lance. Sure."

Justin saw Joey coming, and met him halfway. There was an animated spring in his step and his smile was beyond brilliant. Looking at Justin, Joey wished this wasn't such a problem. It shouldn't be. Justin this happy shouldn't be.

"You didn't tell me. I forgive you because I know Lance is pressuring you. But, please, don't do it again, Joey."

"I meant to tell you this weekend. Things got crazy."

Justin shrugged, "I had to tell him about Brit. He wasn't very understanding, but he said we could be friends."

"He said that?"

"Yeah. And that's what's important, you know? His sister might be okay, and he came to church to see me so, yeah, I guess so."

Joey stopped and stared hard at Justin. "Justin?"

Justin averted Joey's gaze and toed the ground under his feet. "I was so happy to see him, you know? That he came, that he wasn't mad at me."

"I should have told you, I'm sorry."

"No, no, Joey. It's… you know I don't hate you, right? You know that I love you?"

"You were angry."

"It doesn't excuse me and I'm sorry."

"Justin, don't," Joey could feel the knot twist further in his belly. He knew Justin hadn't meant it when he said he hated him. He was angry and hurt, and Joey was making it worse. It was the finest line that Joey walked and eventually he knew he'd have to choose.

"I should have apologized sooner. I know you have to do your job or else Lance'll get mad at you, but, sometimes it's hard to understand that you're not my friend first."

"Justin, I am. I am just trying to protect you."

"You don't have to protect me from Chris."

"He doesn't believe."

"He says he doesn't."

"But you know better?"

"I'm getting there."

Joey laughed a little. Justin was growing more confident in his perception of the world outside. Chris had a lot to do with that, and Joey couldn't help resenting him for it. "You're going to keep seeing him then?"

"If I can. If he'll see me."

"Justin,"

"I think," Justin finally looked up and Joey could see tears. "I love him, Joe."

"Justin," Joey shook his head.

"I want… I can't do this with Brit. I like her. She's a nice girl. Fun to be with when Lance isn't around. But, I don't feel like that for her. Not like I do with Chris."

"What have you done with Chris?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, when you were seeing him. Was it like dates?"

"We went to the coffee house. He took me to a bar once. I choked on the whiskey."

"Christ,"

"I haven't drank anything since then," Justin stopped before the back stairs of the church. He sat down and motioned for Joey to sit next to him. Joey did.

"What else?"

"Nothing really. He makes me laugh. He's funny. He can do all kinds of voices and he knows all kinds of lines from movies and cartoons… not that I've seen half of them, but he does stuff with his face and it makes me laugh. I like laughing with him. I feel it everywhere in my body."

It was such a good thing, and yet so fucking bad. And Justin knew exactly what he wanted.

"Justin, it's important for the work you do that you remain," Joey stopped, almost choked.

"I am," Justin whispered. "I don't know that I want to stay that way, Joey. I know it'll ruin everything. If I don't keep doing what I'm doing. That I'm kind of important here, but… why would God give me these feelings if they were wrong? I mean, they're so strong, and when I'm with Chris, I want him to touch me. Even if it's just on my hand. Everyone wants me to touch them. They want the goodness of how I make them feel. It's nice to want that. Chris is like this miracle just for me."

Joey watched as Justin reached out to him and placed one of his beautiful hands on his thigh. Joey knew pretty much immediately what was coming next, and he pretty much knew this time, he wouldn't say no.

"Can you not tell Lance?"

"What about Britney Jean?"

"I don't want to mislead her, and I know it's dishonest, but if I behave, then Lance will stay off my back."

Joey exhaled sharply. "Justin, you can't let Chris make a liar out of you."

"He wouldn't condone this, Joey. He's an honest man. Really," Justin's hand tightened before he pulled it away. "I don't deserve him."

"Justin, that is absolutely not true. That's just-"

"I've been sheltered my whole life. I don't know what real pain is. I don't know what it's like to hurt."

"You've hurt with people your whole life, Justin. You've watched helplessly as people have gotten sick, lost loved ones, died… your whole world is surrounded by it."

"But," Justin looked at his hands.

"I have the ability to make it better. I channel Him. I… I'm touched by it, but I don't feel it like they do, because I've never lost anyone, like that. I mean, if I lost you, I'd know. Or Lance, Jayce… my mom. But I haven't had to know it like that."

"You've always taken it personally."

"I've never known, Joey. And when Chris was gone and I didn't know, it felt like my insides were being crushed. I felt so bad all of the time, and I cried, and I didn't feel God anymore. I don't know how I even worked those services, how those people felt me."

Guilt crept into Joey's cheeks in a warm flush. Why did he take part in all of this? He'd explained it to himself constantly, that he was in it for Justin, to protect him from the things that had almost taken his life and soul. The light he'd been giving from those hands, from that voice, it was enough to make Joey stay the course, go along with Lance and Lynn and everything they wanted for Justin. But lately, he began seeing it differently, as what they wanted from Justin. And the thought made him sick.

"Justin, I think you need to consider this more. Give it a couple days. Think on it. Talk to Lance. Or Britney Jean… your mom. Anyone but me."

"But you're the only one. I can't talk to my mom. She wouldn't understand and I don't want her to think she's failed with me."

"Then talk to Chris. Tell him what you're planning to do. If he's the honest man you say he is, then tell him everything."

"I don't think I can do that. What if he tells me not to?"

"Then he's as good a person as you believe he is, and you'll have to respect what he wants."

"He wants me."

"I'm sure of that, Justin. But, part of that… I have to believe that he doesn't want to see you hurt and any relationship he might have with you, can only hurt you and the future you have in this church. In this town."

"Why is it acceptable for JC?"

"JC is discreet. A select few know that he and Lance are together. And he's not their link to God, Justin. You are."

"But he's their link to me."

"Doesn't matter. It's you the Big Guy's flowing through. It's you that matters to them most. If you involve yourself with a man ten years your senior," Joey shook his head. "Justin, it's just not going to go over well."

"Then I quit."

"Then you fail everyone who believes in you."

Justin got to his feet quietly, and Joey found himself staring at them.

"Justin,"

"I have to be true to myself, Joey."

"Is he worth it? Is he worth giving this up? Your hands, your voice, your gift?"

"Don't you get it, Joey? It isn't for him. It's for me. I'm tired of feeling like this, all shut up and cramped and," Justin's feet shuffled back, and Joey looked up to see his hands shaking. "It's like my whole life is mapped out for me. Not by God. By Lance, my mom, and even you. I don't have a choice about my gift. I have it. It's mine. Let me do with it as I will. Let me make the choices. Let me have reign to ruin it or not myself."

This had to be so much of what Lance was afraid of, why Lance shut him up, had him schooled primarily by JC and Lynn. Why Lance only allowed him out to the library or a museum or two. Giving Justin control exposed him to the desires his heart never knew it had. Fear of what those desires could do, how it could affect all they'd built, well, Joey couldn't fathom it, but he guessed Lance had foreseen it all.

"I'd be dead if it wasn't for you, Justin. You've saved me a billion times, but it only took once for me to feel you inside. I owe you everything, and," Justin's eyes were so blue, so beautifully blue, and for a moment, Joey wanted to cry. The line was finer still, and Joey was choosing. "I'll do what I can for you."

Justin smiled, and everything around him was light. He got close, leaned in, and embraced Joey tightly. Justin's lips met briefly with his cheek, and Joey closed his eyes against the significance of his choice.

In Lance's office, Justin smiled at Britney Jean, dressed in her whitest Sunday best. Joey felt bad for her, especially when she smiled back at him.

_____

It was strange to Joey, when Justin crawled into bed with him. It was something he didn't do often and did mostly in the beginning, but something Joey actually missed. He used to do it mostly on days that he sang, days where he didn't feel he'd accomplished anything, when God just wasn't with him. Sometimes he'd curl in Joey's side and cry. Sometimes, he'd just lie on his back and talk. But he almost always went to sleep with Joey against his back, holding him.

It was allowed because it was Joey. It was allowed because no one knew but them, and JC. And when it all got to be too much, Joey went to JC for guidance. He was unbiased as anyone could be, and he always knew the right words. Joey wished Justin could go to him as well. It would make the moments where Justin was shaking and lost just a little easier.

"I told Chris,"

Justin's voice was small, and Joey hated when it got like that. It was always meant to be powerful and free. It wasn't natural to Joey for Justin to be afraid. And it was feeling like that, that made Joey realize how wrong that really was.

"You told him what?"

"What you told me to. About Brit and going along with it."

"And?"

"He told me not to do it."

Joey nodded. He knew that Chris would do that, because when all was said and done, Justin was right about Chris. "And?"

"I kissed him."

"You," pointed inhalation, "what?"

"I didn't even think about it. I just did it. I kissed him on the mouth."

"What did he do?"

"He pushed me away,"

For a moment, Joey felt relief.

"But then he kissed me back. Opened his mouth, told me how."

"Oh,"

"I can't go back."

Joey figured that.

"Joey," Justin whispered, "I don't know what to do."

"I can't help you decide that, Justin. You have to do what's in your heart, but," Joey felt Justin's arm snake around his midsection, and his curls tickle his bicep. "It's not going to be pretty whatever it is."

"Lance won't let me go."

"No. I don't think so. He believes too much in what you… we're doing."

"It'll hurt my mom too."

"Probably, but she loves you. She'll get over it."

"The church can go on without me, Joey, can't it? I mean, JC… he's amazing."

"He is. But it's a group effort, Justin. You're the nucleus. You're the one that touches them and heals them."

"If I… God won't touch me anymore if I… if I…"

"I can't speak for God. I don't know how it all works."

"It's wrong. For me to love him like this, isn't it?"

"A lot of people will tell you that."

"Why would Lance tell me that when he loves JC the way he does? Why would JC tell me that?"

"JC wouldn't."

"Should I talk to him?"

"It might be a good idea."

"Will he tell Lance?"

Joey shook his head in the dark and felt Justin's hold tighten. "No, he won't. You can trust him more than you can trust me."

"I don't think so."

"If Lance asks me, I'm bound to tell him. JC isn't."

"I don't know if I can tell anyone but you, Joe."

"I like that you can. But," Joey tried to pull away, but Justin held on. "I'm afraid of how things will go. If Lance asks… if you put a stop to Britney Jean. He will ask."

"It's about the money, isn't it? For Lance."

"No," Joey said firmly. If he believed that were true, he wouldn't be here. "Justin, just, no."

"But, there's a lot of money involved here. With the phone donations and the radio thing JC does every week."

"I suppose. But the money goes into the church and advertising and paying the people that help us keep it up."

"That's what I told Chris."

"Chris was discussing money with you?"

"Briefly."

Joey sat up, forcefully pulling out of Justin's hold. "That fuck."

"No, Joey! It's not what you think."

"You don't know what I think, Justin."

"You think he wants my money because he's poor."

"No, Justin, I don't. He's poisoning your mind. Can't you see it? The questions you're asking? You've never asked them before. You've never cared."

"I never thought to care about it."

"Exactly!" Joey got to his feet, and pulled on a pair of sweats.

"Where are you going?"

"To talk to Lance."

"NO! You can't! You can't, not right after I'm telling you things. And you don't understand. It isn't like that with Chris. He wants me to understand. He doesn't want me to think that he's using me. He's-"

"He's casting his own doubts into your mind."

"He's showing me things," Justin sat up and crossed his arms across his chest indignantly. "I can form my own doubts thank you very much."

"But you wouldn't be if it wasn't for him," Joey shook his head. "This is too much, Justin. Helping you doesn't include all of this."

"It does, Joey. If you're my friend."

"I'm here to protect you. Protect you and Lance, JC and the church."

"From what?"

"From people like Lou! From people like Chris!"

"He's a good man."

"You keep saying that and every time you do, you drift farther and farther away from," Joey looked to his own shaking hands.

"From you, Joe?"

"From all of us."

"I can't stay this way. Even if Chris is just… transitory, he's showing me things that I needed to see. No one could have done this for me. Only he could."

"So, you're determined to do what, Justin?"

"I don't know. He doesn't want me to lie. But he doesn't want me to sacrifice for him either. It's almost like it's too much for him. To take on someone else that would depend on him for something. Even if it's just his love."

"Love isn't an easy thing to give, Justin. It makes things hard and messy, and it exposes you to things that hurt worse than anything."

"It is easy to give, Joey. It's hard to lose once you have it."

"You never have to lose here, Justin. This is all safe and we're all safe and here, always."

Justin frowned then, "It isn't enough. Not anymore."

"You could learn to accept-"

"No, I couldn't."

"So then, what? You're going to walk away from it all?"

"Not as long as I can feel God. And I," Justin got to his feet and moved to Joey. "I don't think He'll desert me. He's got too much invested in me and I do His work regardless of who I love."

"He expects more."

"There are reasons we're not affiliated with the major religious sects, Joey. Our preacher is gay, regardless of who knows about it. When I touch people, they feel better. If it's not all the way, it's still better than they did before they walked into my church. I bring people to worship. I help people want to live better under God. I can't give Him more than I do."

"That might not be good enough for Him."

"I have to hope it will be. I'm not willing to give up either one of them."

Joey reached out and ran a finger down Justin's cheek. "I want to think that it'll all work out for you, simply because you're Justin Timberlake. But, I'm afraid for the world around you, J. I'm afraid that it won't be God you'll have to contend with, because He is more forgiving than man."

"I know."

"You're going to have to come clean with Lance."

"He won't let me, I know he won't and if he knows you're helping me, he'll take you away from me too."

"He isn't a cruel man, Justin."

"No, but the church is everything to him. The church and JC."

"You should talk to JC."

Justin nodded and backed away. "I'll still come to you though. I need my friend."

"I need you too, Justin."

Justin smiled sadly. "Chris understands you. He said you were the one person I could always trust. Even more than him."

"Chris isn't right about everything."

"I know. But I know he's right about that."

"I'll always protect you, Justin. Just remember that…"

_____

"How do you know?"

"Have you seen him today?"

Joey's gaze remained fixed on Lance as his hands moved furiously over his keyboard. Joey hated when Lance got like this. It was a zone, where getting in was impossible, even for JC. "No, why?"

Lance picked up the phone without looking up. "Lonnie, bring Justin downstairs please."

"What the hell is going on? What did JC tell you?"

"JC hasn't told me shit, Joe. He does his job. If you did yours, we wouldn't be in this situation."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"There's no going back for Justin now. I have big time damage control to do. I can't even," Lance stood up and finally met Joey's gaze. "You're my friend, Joe. But I sign your paychecks."

"Lynn signs my paychecks."

"Start doing your job or-"

"Or what, Lance? I know too fucking much."

"Don't threaten me, Joe." Lance's face was frighteningly calm. Sometimes Joey wished he could be like that, show nothing, give them nothing when he had to.

"Or what, Lance?"

"I'll take him away from you for good."

"You little shit, you-"

"Justin," Lance's voice rose over his, and behind Joey stood Justin. He never knocked. He never felt the need to and until recently it had never been an issue to Lance. And when Joey looked, the boy he saw resembled Justin, but had aged years in the hours since Joey last saw him.

"Justin, you… what did you do?"

Justin raised a hand to his head, his curls replaced by bristly stubble. "I wanted to cut it."

"But, but,"

"I think it looks good. Makes me look my age."

Joey turned back to Lance who was smiling. Lance then looked past Joey to Justin, "You need to go discuss this weekend's service with JC."

"I was just getting ready to see him."

"And you have a dinner engagement this evening."

"I do?"

"Yes, Justin," Lance nodded. "You do. I think it's time you and Britney Jean took things to another level."

"What?"

"I think you understand me quite well."

"But, but, we've only been dating a couple months. And we're so young and-"

"And it's time. We're ready for it."

"I'm not ready for it!"

"Justin,"

"I'm not doing it, Lance. In fact, I'm not having dinner with her tonight or any other night again. You can take her to dinner and marry her if you like her so much."

"Justin," Joey stepped in.

"No, Joey, no. I'm not playing this game with that girl anymore. She deserves better than this. Better than me."

"She's going to be here around five," Lance's voice was low and slightly dangerous. "You will be ready."

"I won't."

"Justin, please," Joey pleaded. "Don't do this now."

"I'm sorry, Joe. I'm just not doing it." With that, Justin turned and walked slowly, almost gingerly out of the room. And Joey knew.

"Take care of it, Joe." Lance told him, as he took his seat. "Britney Jean will be here at five. I want Chris taken care of."

"Lance, I-I-"

"If you don't, I'll send Lonnie."

"Justin will leave if you push him."

"He can't leave. He has nowhere to go. No one understands him the way we do."

"You don't understand him. If you did, you wouldn't be forcing Britney Jean on him."

"I'm doing what I have to to keep the church thriving."

"You mean you're doing what you have to to keep the money flowing."

"Money is a means to getting Justin's gift to the masses, Joey. I've never made any bones about that."

"He'll leave. He will go to Chris, and it won't matter what I do to Chris. Chris will take him because he loves him."

"I'm telling you to make it so Chris understands the consequences of taking Justin again."

"That's crass, Lance."

"So is the way Justin's walking around today."

"He still feels God."

"I reckon that ain't God that Justin's feeling…"

_____

Lance didn't understand that what Justin was feeling had more to do with himself than Chris. Yes, Chris had opened those doors. Chris was the object Justin was fixating on, but the rest of it, it was what had been inside of Justin all along. And Justin was honest, he never had a reason not to be. Not until Lance forced his hand with Britney Jean. Most of the time, Joey hated himself for taking part in stifling Justin. He hated Lance for believing in the church more than Justin. He hated JC for being so fucking oblivious to it all. But mostly, he hated Chris for being the one with the strength and power to show it all to Justin, and him.

After Joey sent Britney Jean and her mom home on Justin's behalf, he paid a visit to Chris at work. He didn't want to deal with him at his house where his sisters could witness it, and he needed to get it done quick, before Justin could get to him. It was pretty strange that Chris seemed to know why Joey was there.

"I guess this is where you take me out."

"Something like that."

Chris nodded, "What exactly does that entail?"

"I rough you up a bit and tell you to leave town and stay away from Justin."

"I see."

"He loves you."

"I know how he feels."

"You really do? You're not playing with him?"

"Joey, I wouldn't," Chris shook his head. "He's the best person I know. I really didn't want to get involved, but he's just… he's a force of nature. He knows what he wants, but he doesn't quite know how to get there."

"So, you show him."

"He needs that. And it's just something you couldn't do for him."

"I don't love him like that."

"I know. But you love him, or you would have dealt with me long before this. And he's okay, you know? I didn't hurt him."

"I don't need to know any of that."

"That's a different tune."

"I feel differently now."

"Good. Looks like he's showing you more than you think."

"What you've done, we know about it, and Justin's taking heat for it. He's being pressured into marrying Britney Jean, and, if he wants any future in this church, he's going to have to do something other than come out with you."

"I never asked him to lie about Britney Jean."

"I know."

Chris rubbed his chin, considering. "I'm not entirely sure where to go from here then, Joey. Justin needs to make the decisions. I'm along for the ride here. It's not exactly the position I want to be in, but I can't stop it now."

"I have to do this or I'll be removed from Justin myself. If that happens,"

Chris nodded. "I understand. Do what you have to."

And Joey did, to the tune of a split lip and a black eye for Chris.

_____

In the office, Joey interrupted Lance and JC. Joey hated walking into those meetings, where JC's back was contorted against the desk and he had a knee between Lance's legs. But Lance was more pliant than usual afterwards, his smile real and undeniable.

"He's agreed to stay away from Justin, but he's not leaving town."

Lance leaned his elbows on his desk and rested his chin in his folded hands. "That's progress."

"You can't do this to him, Lance." JC said.

When he looked, Joey could see something that resembled sadness in JC's eyes. Justin had talked to him, and JC had understood.

"JC, not now."

"Yes, now. It took us three years, Lance. We were kids but we knew. It's what you ran from. You can't do it to Justin, not if you love him."

"You don't understand,"

"You're right, I don't."

"We went through this. The church and what Justin does,"

"Will understand should it all come out. It doesn't have to, just like we haven't."

"They won't understand," Lance snarled. "You think because we're more lenient that they are too? They expect more from their religious leaders, JC. They put them above everything else, and their expectations are higher then even God's."

"It'll kill him, Lance. You can't."

"Stop being so melodramatic, JC. It won't kill him. He's a kid with a crush."

"He's in love."

"He'll get the fuck over it! We all do."

JC nodded, and he suddenly looked tired. "You're right, Lance. We all do."

JC didn't wait for Lance to reply. He left the room with little more than a slam of the door.

Joey stared at the door for a while before he looked to Lance. He hadn't moved, but his smile was gone. "This won't end well."

"I've worked too hard, Joe. I gave too much for this."

"You gave for Justin,"

"I took for Justin, Joey. I-I went through-" Lance stopped, shook his head. "It's in the past and this is mine. I won't see it destroyed."

"You'll be the one to destroy it, Lance, by destroying Justin."

"We'll see,"

Joey shook his head as he went to the door.

"I'm relieving you, Joe. Lonnie will be taking care of Justin from now on."

Joey swallowed hard. "I hope it's worth it, Lance."

"No one ever cared that God left me long ago."

"You could have let him back in, Lance. You just had to let him touch you."

"It hurt too much."

Joey opened the door, and looked back at Lance. "JC?"

"He'll come around. He's just mad. He never stays mad for long."

"We'll see," Joey said and left.

_____

They called looking for Lance. Lance had gone after JC shortly after Joey left him, and no one had heard from him. Joey asked if he could take a message, but they asked for Lynn instead. Joey retrieved her from her office, and looked on as Lynn's face went totally white. She mumbled a few incoherent words, before hanging up the phone.

"Get Justin. We need to leave now."

"What's going on?"

"It's… get Justin. I'll get the car. Now, Joey."

Joey didn't know why his feet felt so heavy as he ran up the stairs. He didn't know why his voice shook when he knocked on the door, and then pushed inside to get Justin. Lonnie was there, and Justin's eyes were red and puffy.

"You can't come in here, Joe." Lonnie stepped close to block Joey from Justin.

"Lynn sent me to get Justin. We have to go now. She's pulling the car around."

"Joe, I can't let you,"

"Lonnie, do you want to deal with Lynn and Lance when I go downstairs and tell them you won't let Justin leave in an emergency?"

"What kind of emergency, Joey?" Justin got up behind Lonnie and peeked around his shoulder.

"She wouldn't tell me, but I don't think it's good. She looked bad when she hung up the phone."

Justin put a hand on Lonnie's shoulder. "C'mon, Lonnie. Let's go."

A doctor met them in the emergency room lobby. He asked for Lance, but they hadn't been able to reach him. Justin pushed his way to the front, and the doctor knew him.

"Take me to him, please."

"He's not out of surgery yet, Sir. We're doing all we can for him."

"But, but,"

"I will bring you to him as soon as he's in Recovery."

Justin turned to Joey and buried his head in his shoulder, "JC," he whispered. "We need to find Lance."

"I'll go," Lonnie said.

"Thank you, Lonnie," Lynn stood by and simply watched.

They only let Justin into the Intensive Care unit JC was in. Outside, Joey stood with Lynn and watched through the window as Justin held his hand. From the closed door, they could hear the choked sound of Justin singing.

"He'll never forgive himself if JC dies," Lynn whispered roughly. "He's got so many questions now as it is, he won't get over this one."

"JC is not going to die." They were invincible, all of them together. They were because they were righteous. They were because God flowed through Justin and made them that way.

"Joey, they said,"

"I don't care what they said, Lynn. JC is not going to die. He can't die."

"Lance needs to be here."

"I know. I don't know why we can't get in touch with him."

"His cell phone was on voicemail only,"

"He was going to make things up to JC. That's the only time he turns it off. When he wants to be alone with him," Joey put a shaking hand on the glass. Inside, Justin brushed JC's hair from his forehead. "Shit. JC."

The doctors came in a rush of voices and beeping. They shoved Justin aside, and he watched as they did all they could to get JC's heart working again. Joey pushed his way in, and pulled Justin back into his arms and held on as Justin shook and sobbed. In the chaos, one of the doctors called the time, and they all stopped. Just like that, JC was gone from them.

They tried to escort Joey and Justin out, but Joey asked if they could have a few moments, if they could hold off until Lance got there. It took little more than Justin reaching out his hand and touching the doctor's shoulder for them to get acquiescence. Joey stepped back as Justin moved to JC's side. His crying grew fiercer as he took JC's hand. If Joey didn't know better, he'd have thought that Justin was trying to bring him back. Grim determination mixed with his tears, and his voice pushed through the weeping, and Joey could hear Justin begging for a miracle that wasn't granted.

Lance pushed his way inside, looking almost savage. Justin turned swollen eyes to him, as Lance stood back, eyes fixed on JC's calm, pale face.

"I'm sorry, Lance," Justin choked softly. "I'm so sorry. I tried. I tried so hard to,"

Lance put a hand up, and Justin silenced immediately. He moved to JC's side as Justin slid away. Joey grabbed Justin's hand and pulled him out of the room.

"He's going to need us," Justin said as he watched Lance lean onto the bed and swipe his lips across JC's. "JC is… JC is what he has, what keeps him,"

"I know."

Lance's fingers trailed over JC's cheek before he leaned towards JC's ear.

"They fought," Joey said. "They fought."

"He told me to tell him,"

"JC talked to you?"

"Only for a minute, before it went crazy, before the doctors came."

"God,"

"It's my fault, Joey. It's my fault because of what I did with Chris."

"It's not, Justin. God doesn't punish us this way."

"But, if I hadn't,"

If Justin hadn't, maybe JC and Lance wouldn't have fought, and maybe JC wouldn't have left Lance's office. They could build a lifetime on maybes and could have beens, but Joey didn't care to. And he wouldn't let Justin blame himself for a simple twist of fate.

"It was an accident, Justin. Just an accident."

The police had told them it was a head on collision. JC in the church's SUV with an aiport taxi cab. It could have happened to anyone at anytime.

"It hurts, Joey. It hurts so bad. And I couldn't save him." Justin looked at his hands. "It's… it's gone."

"It's not gone, Justin. You know it doesn't always. And it was just time for JC to go."

"How could that be? When he's so young, and he does God's work. How could it be his time?"

"I don't know, Justin. I'm not the final word on anything. I'm just here getting by like everyone else."

"I have to go," Justin said, trying to regain his poise. "I have to," Justin looked at Joey. "Come with me, please. I can't do this without you."

"Where?" But Joey already knew the answer to that.

"Chris'll understand. He'll know what to say. He'll just," Justin stopped, looked at his mother standing at the door, watching Lance. "I need him."

"I'll drop you off."

"You won't stay?"

"Lance is going to need someone."

Justin nodded. "I understand."

"No, Justin, you don't. You have Chris, and you can find solace in him. Lance," Joey shrugged. "He's got nothing left."

"I know."

_____

Justin folded into Chris without hesitation. What amazed Joey was how Chris knew immediately that something was wrong, and offered him whatever comfort he could. He looked over Justin's shoulder at Joey and waved him inside. And when Justin had taken what he needed, and sat down by himself, Chris brought them both a glass of Scotch. Justin was skeptical, but Chris smiled at him.

"Drink it. It'll burn a little, but it'll calm you." Justin nodded slowly, and took a drink. He coughed, and his eyes teared, but Chris put his hand under the glass, supporting it.

"What happened? You both look like hell."

"JC died today," Joey told him, and watched Justin cringe at the words.

"Oh no," Chris' whole demeanor changed, and he sat down next to Justin. "How?"

"It was an accident," Justin said. "They said it was an accident, but,"

"Justin, don't."

Joey watched Chris as he touched Justin's arm. He watched Chris pick up on Justin's cues, and marveled at how well he knew him already. It had taken Joey years, it seems, to pick up on Justin's nuances, on the thousand little things that Justin did to give himself away. But Chris already knew.

"It's just a coincidence then? That it happened right after we…" Joey could barely hear Justin, and he felt more than a little bit that he didn't belong there, that these moments were just for Justin and Chris.

"Justin, don't. What we do has nothing to do with JC or anyone else. God has better things to do than to punish two little men for having sex."

"But I'm not little."

"No, Justin, you're not. But I am."

Justin sighed, and looked at Chris. "I feel so bad, Chris. I can't make it go away."

"You won't be able to. Not for a while. But you're not alone. Joe's here," Chris looked over at Joey, and motioned for him to get closer. Joey did. Chris grabbed his hand, and pulled him into a huddle with Justin. "See, not alone. Never alone, Justin. No matter where you have to go from here."

Joey felt Justin and Chris' head against his. He felt the moist warmth of their hands, and it was almost intoxicating. Joey liked Chris, and he was sorry that he had punched him.

After he'd helped get Justin to bed, Joey left him with Chris. Chris hugged Joey several times, and told him to come back anytime he needed to, that he'd be there, and they could talk, get drunk, do whatever they had to. Chris understood things. Joey understood that when he left, Chris would crawl into bed with Justin and hold him. Hold him and make him feel safe.

Joey told Chris to take care of Justin while he was gone. He told him to have Justin call his mother in the morning. If they needed him, Joey would be with Lance.

_____

Lance was wearing the same suit he had on when Justin and Joey left him at the hospital. Lynn was with him, but there wasn't much she could do when Lance was in the zone. It was late, but all's Lance could think about were the arrangements for JC's funeral.

Details.

Lance got mired in details and he forgot to hurt. He forgot that there were things that he should be crying about, that he should be in pain. Too much had gone on in Lance's life to make him that way. Joey thought that it wasn't only Justin that he'd sworn himself to protect. He failed JC. In failing JC, he failed them all.

Joey sent Lynn home with Lonnie, telling her that Justin would fine and he was where he needed to be. She didn't understand, but Joey told her she would in time, and she went quietly.

Joey unplugged the laptop Lance was working on and drew several nasty expletives from Lance before he grew quiet. Joey moved quickly, but quietly, around and pulled Lance up from his chair. He threw Lance's arm around his shoulder and slid his own around Lance's back.

"C'mon, let's get you upstairs. You need to sleep."

"I can't, Joe." Lance didn't try to pull away, but he wouldn't move his feet either. "I can't go up there, in there. He's there."

Joey closed his eyes, and felt tears trickle slowly down his cheeks. "Okay. I'll go. Take off your jacket and tie, and your shirt, okay? Do that for me? I'll get you something to change into, and then I'll make you something to eat."

"I can't eat."

"You have to. You've got nothing in your stomach but ten year old whiskey. You'll be barely functional in the morning. And there's too much to do."

"Which is why I was doing it when you came in."

"It can wait till morning, but it'll need you sober and level-headed. Okay? Stay here. I'll be right back."

Lance nodded, and slumped into the couch.

Joey sifted through the dresser in Lance's room for something for Lance to wear. It was Murphy's Law that had Joey opening all of JC's drawers first, before he finally found something familiar to Lance. He pulled out track pants and a t-shirt, before looking around the room. He'd have to take this stuff. If Lance couldn't deal with it, Joey would have to. He brought the clothes down to Lance and found him still completely dressed.

Joey set the clothes down next to Lance and sank down beside him. Lance had a comfortable couch. JC had no doubt picked it out. Joey smiled just a little.

"Come on, Lance, let's get you out of these." Joey started tugging on the jacket, and Lance offered little resistance as Joey eased it off his shoulders and tossed it to the floor behind the couch. It took two hands to remove the tie and unbutton the shirt, but those hit the floor next to the jacket, as did Lance's undershirt and slacks.

"You want to take a bath or something first? Freshen up a bit, get cleaned up?"

Lance shook his head. "No, I'm just going to sleep here."

"Okay, Lance. Here," he pulled the T-shirt over Lance's head, and Lance lifted his arms into the holes. "Put these on," he handed Lance the pants. "I'm going to take care of a couple of thing, okay?"

"You're leaving?"

"No. Around here. Maybe make some soup or eggs or something."

"Eggs. I like eggs."

"I know. I'll make you some eggs, and then I'll clean up a bit. Maybe change your bed so you can sleep."

"Don't touch the bed, okay? I… not yet."

"Lance,"

"I'm. Not yet, okay?"

"Okay. I'll just make you some food then."

Lance nodded. "Thanks. Joey?"

"Yeah?"

"Where is Justin?"

"Justin's fine."

Joey thought that maybe Lance knew, but even if he did, he said nothing more about it.

Joey called Chris to check up on Justin. He cried a lot, Chris told him, and he slept a lot. Other than that, there was very little to report. Joey told Chris he'd be sending a suit over for Justin. He'd also send a car to get Justin for the funeral. Chris took it all down and yessed him until Joey thought he'd be sick.

Justin sang at the service, and Reverend Wright, JC's mentor from seminary, led the service in the church. Eulogies were delivered at the gravesite, and Justin sang again. Lance stood pretty motionless through everything, and some of the time leaned on Joey to keep him upright.

Justin had been right when he said he'd never known the kind of pain Chris had. None of them had, because Joey had never felt like this heart was being ripped from his chest. He'd never known what JC meant to him. He'd never seen Lance weak. For a moment, Joey thought that maybe they'd get through it, that they'd be able to salvage the parts of themselves that belonged to each other. But then Chris took his place beside Justin, and Lance grew rigid. Lance grew rigid, and then started shaking.

Joey took hold of him, wrapping a hand around Lance's arm to keep him still. "It's almost done," Joey whispered.

"He doesn't belong here."

"He's here for Justin."

"We're here for Justin."

"Lance, please don't. It isn't anyone's fault. JC told Justin that it wasn't. You have to honor that."

But Lance didn't. He broke free from Joey and threw himself in Chris' direction. He yelled at him, told him to leave, that he didn't belong. Joey pulled up behind Lance and pulled him away from Chris, and Justin stepped in front of Chris, as if to block Lance's onslaught.

"Please stop, Lance." Justin's voice was low and soft, and marked with all the grief he simply couldn't hide. "Please. We can finish this later. You can talk to Chris. This is the last thing we'll do for JC, don't spoil it."

Joey felt Lance shiver, then tense. "What? Who the hell do you think you are?"

"Lance," Justin reached out to touch him, but Lance reared back as if Justin were fire.

"Don't fucking touch me, you little shit. He's dead because of you. Because of him," Lance nodded in Chris' direction. "Because you couldn't respect what God gave you."

"That isn't. Lance. Don't say things like that."

"You could have saved him. Your hands. Your miraculous fucking hands. But no, you dirtied yourself,"

"Hey, back off," Chris moved around Justin, and stood beside Justin. "Cut it out."

"C'mon, Lance," Joey tried pulling him away from the eyes that were on them. Tried pulling him away from Justin, who was horrified, but strangely composed.

"No!" Lance shouted. "You're a healer. There were people who you touched, who you saved. JC believed in you. He believed you made every one of those people's lives better."

I-I-I did make them better. They were."

"HA!" Lance laughed bitterly, and tugged away from Joey. "If you could have kept it in your pants, Justin, then you'd get to keep believing that."

"That's enough," Chris' hands shook at his sides, but he kept them down. "Enough."

"Fuck you. You never fucking believed in him. Even when he helped your sister."

"He had nothing to do with my sister."

"Bullshit! He touched her, and days later, you find out she has a chance. You think that's a coincidence?" Lance turned to Justin. "He never believed. JC did. And you couldn't save him."

"Maybe it's because you didn't believe, you fucking asshole," Chris grabbed Justin's arm. "C'mon, Justin, let's go home, okay?"

Joey took hold of Lance again. "Lance, let's just go. The service is over. There are people,"

"You're ruined Justin. Enjoy it now. Tomorrow you and your mother will be hunted by every cop in this county. I promise you. I swear to you, you fucking fraud."

Justin's lip trembled as he shook his head. "Lance, please don't do this."

"It's done. It's fucking done. And they'll all know you for the fraud you are."

"Justin, c'mon,' Chris pulled at Justin, and Justin finally moved his feet and moved. "Joey?"

Joey looked from Justin to Chris. There was no way Justin could understand what Lance meant. The business part, where Lynn had documentary control over everything the church touched, the parts that Lance took care of day to day, but never really owned. Joey never thought about all of that. He never thought how maybe all along, Lance was just covering his ass. Inside, he wanted to believe differently because he felt Lance shaking under his palm. "I can't,"

Joey met Justin's eyes, and Justin shook his head. "I don't understand. Joey?"

"Just go home with Chris, Justin. It's over."

Justin left with Chris, and Lance buried himself in Joey's chest.

_____

They'd done it once when things were urgent, but looking up. Lance had been younger then, younger and hopeful. Joey had been taken in by that and the confidence Lance had in what he was doing. It was different this time. Lance pulled him down, as Joey tried to put him to bed. He pulled him down into the sheets that still smelled like JC, and kissed him. In the couple of days that followed JC's death, Joey hadn't allowed himself to cry. He stood by Lance, and offered any and all support he could in hopes of making it easier for him, in making Lance understand that he wasn't alone, even with JC gone. He didn't give himself a chance to realize what he needed, that he needed the same assurance. Lance had treated both Chris and Justin abominably, but Joey chalked that up to grieving, for not understanding the circumstances that surrounded JC's death. He figured a lot of the anger Lance had was directed at himself, taking on so much of the blame that he vocally directed at Justin. Joey needed to believe that Lance wasn't so far gone that he'd follow through with this threats. Joey needed to believe that even with JC gone, there was a part of Lance that still had faith.

Joey kissed Lance gently, as Lance stripped him. He responded to Lance's hands, moaning softly, whispering endearments in Lance's ear. But Lance was urgent, hands moving with frenzied swiftness, mouth moving over Joey's neck and resting on his jugular. Joey felt Lance's teeth just break the skin, felt his tongue swipe over the same spot. He shivered at the cool rush of breath and Lance's, "Fuck, Joe," and he stopped. Joey pulled back into himself and stared down at his friend, far to broken to understand what they could do by going through with this.

"Lance,"

Just saying his name finally broke Lance, and the tears came slowly at first, trickling down his cheek, then coming faster, and he trembled out of grief more than anything else. Joey held him there, and cried with him until they both fell asleep…

Joey watched Lance through partially closed lids as he stood up and dressed. He said nothing and moved slowly through the room as he threw some things, underwear, t-shirts, a pair of jeans, deodorant, and JC's cross, into a duffle bag. He laced up his shoes and kissed Joey's cheek before he slipped out of the room.

Joey was quiet as he got up and put on his jeans. He followed a good distance behind Lance, and watched him shove papers into the same bag, grab his car keys and steal out the front door. In moments, Lance was gone, and Joey knew he intended on following through with his threats to send Justin and his mother to prison.

It was five in the morning when Joey and Lynn knocked on Chris' door. Chris answered, rubbing sleep from his eyes. "Joey?"

"Take Lynn. You'll have to work out arrangements on your own. She just needs a place, and, take care of them okay?"

"Joey what's going on?" Both Chris and Lynn's voices harmonized.

"I'm going with Lance. You have to take care of Justin."

"Joey, you can't," Chris shook his head. "Not after yesterday. Not after everything Lance said."

"He was upset. A little crazy and he's alone. I can't let him do this alone."

"But Justin,"

"He has you, and his mom. You're going to have to explain things to Lynn, okay? I have to go now though."

"Joey, I don't. Justin won't understand."

"I know. It's okay. He's saved me a billion times. It's time to return the favor."

"I don't understand, Joey, come have some coffee and,"

But Justin was there, padding forward in Chris' sweats that were way too small for him. "Joey?"

Joey ran a hand through his hair as Justin stopped just inches away. "I have to get going, J. I have to help Lance. He's having a hard time, and he's got no one."

Justin nodded.

"You're going to be fine though, okay? I made sure of it. Money'll be tight for a while, but you'll manage."

"I never needed money."

"I know."

"I wish you'd stay with me."

"I can't. There's too much now."

"Right."

"Chris'll take care of you. Your mom too." Joey smiled then. "Or maybe you'll take care of them."

Chris chuckled softly, and Joey could see a small light in Justin's eyes. He wished he knew that light, wished it hadn't been taken from Lance. It was all going to hell, and Joey couldn't put out the raging fire blowing through all their lives.

"I love you, Joey," Justin leaned, and Joey pulled him close.

"I know, J. I know. Nothing'll ever change how I feel. But I have to do this."

"It doesn't have to be a choice."

"It does," Joey whispered. "And I made it a long time ago. Okay? You'll understand. I always protect you first."

Justin backed off then and stared hard into Joey's eyes. "My friend."

"It goes hand in hand."

Justin leaned in and kissed Joey on the mouth. "I forgive you."

Joey kissed back, squeezed Justin's arm, then left.

It was plastered all over the newspaper in the week that followed. The Risen Christ Evangelical Church burned down, and took everything Justin Timberlake and Lynn Harless worked for with it. The fire was proved an accident, with a gas leak mixing dangerously with the firing of the furnace. Any and all pending investigations into Ms. Harless and Mr. Timberlake were dropped.

_____

He set the church bulletin down on the table, and tapped the spot with the words. Or more pointedly, the name.

"We should go."

Lance looked from his morning coffee to the bulletin, and then to Joey. "You go."

"I am. But I'm asking you to go with me."

"I can't, Joe. You know that."

"Healing has to start with you, Lance. I can't. I can't do it alone."

Lance half-smiled. It was pretty much all Joey got in the days since JC died. They'd traveled a lot, looking for a place to settle, where demons didn't constantly sneak up on them. They'd eventually worked their way to a small ocean town on the Jersey shore. Joey went to work in the shore bars, and Lance rented out beachfront property to New York City tourists. It wasn't church life, but it was better than Joey expected the day he left Justin and went after Lance. And it had taken a while, for them to just allow themselves to be together, but that all came with time too.

There were days when Lance looked happy. He liked the beach a lot, but Joey suspected that was because it reminded him of JC. They spent a lot of time there, mostly at night, in the hours before Joey went to work, and the tourists were barbequing or heading to dinner. Winter nights were best, when the sky was gray and the air was cold, and neither of them had much to do but huddle in a blanket and curl around each other and watch the foamy white surf.

Joey went to church every Sunday. He sang in the choir, and thought of Justin in those moments. He mostly kept those thoughts in church, where he prayed that everything was okay, and that maybe one day they'd all be able to look at each other in the face. Forgiveness, Joey knew, wouldn't be too hard to come by if only Lance could learn to forgive himself.

It was a strange road trip that had Joey and Lance laid over in Maryland. Joey had talked Lance into going home, swallowing his fear and facing his family. Joey had to promise to do the same on the way back. It was a rare compromise in the heat of one many arguments.

They stopped at a Waffle House for breakfast. Lance wanted runny eggs and coffee, and Joey just wanted cereal. It was a staple, had been since those first few mornings he'd spent with Justin when Justin was still sixteen.

Joey plucked local flyers and newsletters out of their slots and read, while Lance scooped slimy eggs onto his fork and read USA Today. That's when he saw Justin's name. He was singing out of a small church in Crofton, and was apparently a small town star.

"Come on, Lance. We don't have to tell him we're there. Just watch."

"I watched too long," Lance peered over the paper, that half-smile ever present. "But you go. I know you want to, and it's okay. Maybe you'll smile again."

Strange that Lance looked enough to notice, and Joey found himself nodding. "Maybe. But maybe I'd smile if you,"

"Joe, one day I'll be able to look at Justin and not feel like I failed in everything I've ever tried to do. It's this crazy thing, but I'm getting over it. I'm afraid if I see him, all the hatred will come back. I've come a long way. I've got you to thank for it. But I got a long way still to go."

Joey nodded. "Fine, okay. I'll take a cab out. Can you at least pick me up?"

"Sure."

It was, indeed, a small church, and by the time Joey got there, he could only stand near the rear entrance doors. The service was short and simple, and Joey tried not to think of how JC always delivered his sermons. And when Justin got up to sing, Joey could feel the world opening. Every note, every beautiful, melodical note, pushed inside, and Joey felt, for the billionth upon billionth time, how Justin had saved him. He looked around the church and saw Lynn seated properly in the front row. She watched Justin, just like everyone else did, with reverence. Joey scanned further at the faces, row after row of faces, until his gaze finally rested on Chris, in the middle of the last row, the same loving, knowing look on his face. Joey looked back to Justin, saw that Justin watched Chris the whole time he sang. It wasn't how it used to be, when Justin would find every pair of eyes, and single every person out for the longest second in time. Justin had changed, just like they all had, but he still was light and joy when his voice rose above everything else.

Joey's voice started small, but grew with every crescendo. He loved so much of this, the freedom that raising his voice to God to gave him. It was like this in any church, with or without Justin, but with Justin, Joey felt more hope in the chance of freedom for others. He'd talk Lance into coming on the way home, after they'd seen their families and lifted one more burden from their hearts.

And when Joey reached out with his voice, and Justin turned his head towards him, he saw the angel boy smile and hold out his arms.

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